Grief and Unmet expectations

As a parent newly learning their child isn't a stereotypical normal child, you will have to endure a grief cycle like you have never known before.   There is no manual on how to raise a child and far less of a manual on how to parent a special needs child.  The cycle of grief is an enigma; no one can tell you how long it will last nor can anyone tell you it is a one time cycle.  

The first step in your grieving process will be denial.  "My daughter couldn't possibly be anything but perfect" or " He will grow out of it" are commonly the types of thoughts we might have.  Those thoughts will be replaced with grief and pain.  This step is very devastating; however, you have to choose to deal with these feelings.  If you don't face grief head on, you and your child will suffer more when you choose to face your grief.  Avoiding grief can cause physical symptoms that can cause your physical health to deteriorate and make your tasks to parent your baby more difficult.

Sometimes we attempt to put limits on our grieving process.  Just as it is impossible to know how we will handle and process the news of our child's health, but allowing pressure from outsiders to dictate that we should be over it will only exacerbate our ability to grief.   This is the time where many find a way to escape: buried in our work, choosing alcohol or drugs to numb our reality or keeping it all internal.  In the end, none of these mechanisms help the situation.

Time is your friend.  Give yourself time... and take it!  We are great at putting on our brave faces.  It's ok to cry!  There is no shame in needing to get the emotions out.  You can talk with other parents of special needs children for support.  While this might seem difficult, they can provide you hope.  They survived similar grief cycles and they are still breathing.  Keep a journal of your thoughts or join a support group.  In these darkest hours, only those who have walked similar paths can truly appreciate the trials you face ahead.

This next step for me was the hardest.  This is when guilt will pop up.  It is ugly.  It is unwanted.  Parents will start to ask themselves questions to try and explain the guilt we feel.

This often starts out with asking ourselves "what" and "what if" questions such as "What did I do to cause my child to be disabled?" or "What if I hadn't had that glass of wine before I knew I was pregnant?  Would my baby be ok?"  This is quickly followed by the "if only" statements and questions such as "If only we waited a little longer before having a baby."

Guilt is always looking for someone or something to blame.  While some of these questions might help to work out your grief, they mostly are looking for places to blame.  When we deal with unmet expectations, it is our nature to try and place blame somewhere, even if it's to blame ourselves.  In the case of a special needs child, sometimes there is no place to blame, but mostly it is not there.  Things happen.  Guilt serves no real purpose.  Acceptance of the situation will help take the guilt and blame to the past where it belongs.

Pursue thoughts and actions that will serve the positive purpose of reaching the end of guilt process in a healthy manner.