10 Things I’d do differently if I could parent my son with Autism over again.
1. I WOULD SLOW DOWN!! I would make my life as easy as possible by cutting out all the non-essentials and focus on the most important things instead. I wouldn't even try to keep up with the neighbors or other family members with “typical” children. I wouldn't make my son with Autism try and run the race at the normal pace, rather I’d do a better job at stepping back and letting him decide if he even wanted to put on his running shoes. I wouldn't feel guilty about not going somewhere or coming home early if my son was on sensory overload. I would accept a slower pace and not look with longing out the window at those who “seemingly” lead more exciting, more eventful lives. I’d make peace with the slower pace and find joy in it.
2. I WOULD TAKE CARE OF ME BETTER. I would first have allowed myself to grieve—to mourn the loss of a “typical” child without guilt (even if someone ELSE did NOT mourn the same way), and then I would take A LOT more breaks all along the way—hire babysitters and get away even if it was expensive. I would NOT allow guilt to ever creep in whenever I took care of me. I would have rewarded myself more often—even if it was just for little things I did right, instead of berating myself for all the things I did wrong. I’d recognize when I was feeling overwhelmed and I would STOP, allow myself a good cry, do something to take care of me, and then go forward again feeling renewed instead of continually exhausted.
3. I WOULD BECOME THE MASTER AT HANDLING BAD ADVICE OR HURTFUL COMMENTS. I would have dealt with disapproving family members or ward members or neighbors more with my “head” than my “heart.” I’d worry less about what everyone else said I was doing “wrong” as a parent. I’d reply to unwanted advice by saying, “I can tell you’re trying to help, and I appreciate that. We’re working on some different therapies that seem to be really helping, but your concern is appreciated.” Or, “I’m not sure if you’re trying to help when you say that, and maybe I don’t truly understand what you mean by that statement, but I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt.” And then I’d forget about their comments as quickly as possible for MY health instead of holding on to the hurt and anguish. I would quit trying to get everyone around me to understand MY life and MY journey with Autism, rather, I’d spend more time trying to understand my son’s life and HIS journey with Autism.
4. I WOULD HAVE EMBRACED MEDICINES INSTEAD OF FEARING THEM. I fought a long and hard unnecessary fight against my children taking medicines because of MY own worries and fears. When I finally bit the bullet and gave my children medicines, suddenly my children THRIVED and had success in all areas of their lives. I would have looked at medicines like a parent who gives Insulin to her child with Diabetes. I would better understand that if my children NEEDED medicines for their greatest success, then depriving them of those because of MY fears was wrong.
5. I WOULD CELEBRATE THE SMALL STUFF DAILY. I would treat the small successes in my child’s progress as if they were big ones. I’d take my son out to ice cream more or hug more often when he reached a milestone, no matter how small. I’d praise more and get upset less.
6. I WOULD HAVE RELIED, TURNED TO AND TRUSTED GOD MORE. Instead of feeling “punished” or angry for a life plan that wasn't MY choice, I would have had more faith that there WAS a purpose to my difficult life. I would have trusted in God more and complained A LOT less. I would try to have more gratitude. I would remember that I go to Church to have a relationship with GOD, NOT to have a social life. I would remember that none of us is perfect, and that all of us are in different places of understanding. And lastly, I would make church events as easy as possible for my son. I’d worry less about who was watching our family circus.
7. I WOULD HAVE LAUGHED MORE. There’s a LOT of humor in Autism itself, and I would have laughed more rather than been embarrassed by behavior or cried about it. I would have laughed more at myself when I made mistakes, and laughed more with my son when HE did.
8. I WOULD HAVE LIVED MORE IN THE PRESENT. I would STOP worrying about the “what ifs” of the future and stay in the PRESENT. I would rejoice with what my son is able to do TODAY and not worry so much about tomorrow. I’d certainly keep hope for my son to have a bright future, but I’d worry about it less. I would make up my mind to be happy for other friends’ successes with their children. I would cry more happy tears for my friends and less sad tears for me. I’d remember that “Rome wasn’t built in a day, and neither will my son with Autism.” I’d take it one day at a time, one goal at a time, and not worry about accomplishing it all TODAY.
9. I WOULD HAVE FOCUSED ON BUILDING A CLOSER RELATIONSHIP FIRST RATHER THAN “FIXING” MY SON’S BEHAVIORS. If someone had told me sooner to establish relationships and connections FIRST, I would have done a much better job understanding what my son “needed,” rather than what I thought he needed. I would have thrown out everything I “thought” I knew about parenting, and instead learned how to “soft-parent,” right away, which is to react calmly and kindly, trying to figure out the “why” to behaviors rather than focus on the “what” he is doing or “how” he is behaving. I would have focused less on “discipline,” or fixing negative behaviors, and more on the lessons to be learned in a gentle and accepting way. And I wouldn't even pay attention to the onlookers who criticized me for "not disciplining" my child, rather I'd just smile and continue to parent as my SON needed, in that gentle and loving way.
10. I WOULD HAVE LOOKED FOR THE ROSES RATHER THAN THE THORNS. I would have tried to see the “good” in Autism instead of all the things that bothered me about it. I would have tried not to hate the disability; rather I would have tried to see the benefits. I would try to embrace what makes my son the special person he is rather than what the disability is making my son the person he is “not.”
And one last thought: “Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections.”
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